Motherly Super Abled- Ruth Sirisha James

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Looking at the chubby happy face of Ruth and her effervescent voice when she says “ heellllllllllllloooooooooooooooo didi ” with a beaming tone , one feels “ all is so well” with her. Well, everyone has their ups and downs you might feel… But not always so.. When you manage a special child 24/7 and fight with world like tigress to give the same respect to the child as she gives.

Well.. some days child is neither child nor adult, I wonder how Ruth manage those things single handedly, I am selfishly happy that she is there for Bryn to do that ( like any other disabled person who wants a care provider all the time ) sometimes I am equally guilty that.. but Who is asking for ruth’s rest , her passion and her time and her alone vacations? Not that people around her care less for her… they love her crazily.. .. But some people are so irreplaceable and since eons of years, care of the child is mother’s responsibility, if its special child double, triple and hundred times responsibility.

Meeting ruth and glancing through her struggles balancing a well formed and sensitive audult special kid.. Make me understand and feel guilty about the way my mom worked for me , my aunt poured all her time into me, now Anand.

Sometimes you feel so guilty.. What bryn must be feeling now? I always felt if someone is throwing tantrums.. There must be some difference, or some disturbance that’s peeping in their mind..

Brain..Oh!! what a tressure and pressure too..! I remember my mother breaking down at every surgical recovery rooms I went , my father acting smart but feeling fear inside whether I will survive another surgery or not, my pinni’s patience every time , when I have to go through raging fevers and lung congestions due to scoliosis and afterwards.

How ruth must have felt when Bryn fell from fleet of stairs and still survived with a head injury and his crooked beautiful smile..!

What my family and now anand going through sometimes even helping us pee and cleaning our mess…!

Life is not easy? Don’t the god know that what bryn going through and what my right side is going through ?

Talking a friend who has an autistic son , she was quipping about a accepted fact that, her son will never have a mature conversation like normal children with their parents. Does god didn’t know this? Sometimes I wonder at the immense strength of mothers like ruth..!

Unless until they accept fully the special child as part of their core being, it is not possible to feel them like an arm or leg or apple of their eyes.

However much I praise , I cant praise the care providers in our life.. my mother, grand mother, pinni and anand..!

In case of bryn, Ruth, Daisy, James garu and gang of ruth friends and young boys

Having said that, I don’t like god.. I hate him for the fact that, whats going to happen when all these care providers are gone ? the shit part of life is disabled people live longer.. Arun shourie wrote a beautiful book on disability and acceptance by name “ does he know mother’s heart??”

Enough of mothers.. I am waiting for this space to be filled up by one or two fathers at least. Fathers who avoid gazes when they look at disabled children, fathers who never introduced their disabled children to public, fathers who divorce wife when children are found to be mentally/physically disabled. Fathers who just abandon being father..!

If god is a father.. I ask him one question and one request,

My question is… Don’t you know the mother’s heart and survivors guilt?? what are you doing for it ?

My request is … please please oh! Supreme power… help the care givers with more energy and rest, at least give them temporary reliever in their jobs..!

I want to feel gratitude for all the people who helped me… but no matter how much I feel gratitude, the steps are not going turn into a ramp and the unknown brain doesn’t calm

Bryn doze off in tranquillizers and I try to doze off in unanswered questions and new pains & sensations

Have happy sleep Bryn .. Have strength Ruth .. if I can transfer my whole brain strength .. Take it till he calms down.. LOVE YOU RUTH !!

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From

Didi & Anna

© Sai Padma :// IPR All Rights Reserved

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One Reply to “Motherly Super Abled- Ruth Sirisha James”

  1. Di! Thanku so much once again for you love that overflows for me! It reminds me of the same love that God has been giving to me. Yours is a tangible love, HIS is intangible… That’s the only difference.

    Having said this, as a mother who understands the unspoken pain of a child, the unspoken turmoil that goes within ones mind, (the turmoil of being dependant, being a survivor, being a burden, being a hundred and one things that only YOU think you are), I must say, I understand your deepest thought and your deepest pain. And I hug you in my heart coz you are thinking too much, and reassure you as a mother that it is not so in reality.

    True. It takes unconditional love to become a part of the child to think, breathe, struggle , fight and sustain. But then, is it not this very same child who was part of me for 9 months? A child whom I did not see, yet loved with every cell within me? And does this love change once the child is born and develops a so called ‘diasability’? I would be a hypocrite if it did. And I am sure inspite of everything, your mom thought and did the same for you too, because of this reason. And that’s why she did what she did for you.

    Guilt. What a heavy, unnecessary word to be using in your situation. Or in Bryan’s too. You did not choose to be the way you are. It was a choice made for you, by a GOD who is perfection personified. To say that you do not believe this would be to say God is not perfect. And you and I know, that that is not the truth. The Bible says, I knew you, even before you were created in your mother’s womb. You are precious, fearfully and wonderfully made. So, you, Bry , me and everyone on this earth are made the way HE wants us to be. Perfect in imperfection. And to help us out so we would be independently dependant, he gave u Anna, and me James. So why guilt! Don’t we love the men who are willing to give us everything and more than we ask?

    Forgive me for talking about God so much. My existence revolves around a Father, who loves me, and you and Bry too. And just because we go through sufferening does not mean that he does not exist, or does not love us. Why suffer then? You may ask. It is to refine us, so that our life would be a blessing to others. Would you and me doing so much in life if we did not have struggles? It’s coz we know and understand that we work for others, so that through our struggle they will be blessed. We see others around us…. And we see us. Are we not different?

    Does not the Father know a mother’s heart? He does. When Jesus hung on the Cross, his mother was watching all that happened. And Jesus give his disciples instructions to take care of her. Such is his love. And it’s the same for us. When we are in need of comfort and rest, notice cheyyi, we always have people beside us. And more than that, you have Anna, I have James. What more do we need?

    Hate is a very powerful word. So is love. I had to substitute love instead of hate. And it changed my whole perspective of life. And so, yes. Struggle as I might with difficulties beyond measure, I still Love my God and the life he gave. And therein lies the whole difference.

    Di! I love you so very much and it hurts to see all the struggles we go thru emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically. But our life has a plan. A purpose. A huge calling, that not many people are given. And I want you to be cheerful and strong, coz you are an inspiration to 300 kids and a whole lot of other people including me, around you.

    Be blessed Di. Be a blessing. And if I have said anything out of turn, please forgive me. You are precious to me!

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